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This weekend I have been pondering the balance between personal responsibility and ‘the matrix’.  It is for us as individuals to keep our emotions in check, manage our thoughts, and stay positive.  This helps us create our reality.  At the same time, there is stuff happening all the time around us.  This could be things that might affect us in different ways, which we need to manage and also includes opportunities being thrown our way.  So people describe this as like learning how to ride two horses, one being fate, the other being free will.  Then you’ve got people like Richard Branson, who appear to have boundless confidence and seem to see how everything works and ‘play’ ‘the matrix’ to their own advantage.

For me initially it began with realising (mentally) what I had, and what I could do, and then realising (as in making real, putting into practice) that.

I had anticipated that as I took the big steps of leaving work and selling the house I might be ‘rewarded’ with a burst of creative energy and opportunities.  So far that has meant that I have experienced a kind of further expansion of my mind.  I pictured myself looking back and reviewing this life amongst others and saying, Hey, remember that time when we sold our house and packed in our jobs and went off to India?

But as if that isn’t exciting enough, my mind has begun to come up with even more crazy ideas and possibilities, as if there’s this sense that this is it, this is your last time around, if there’s anything else at all you might want to do, best do it in this lifetime.   Watching BoJack, I thought, hey, maybe it would be fun to go to Hollywood, maybe it’s kind of like somewhere to go for creative people who don’t fit in where they come from, like art school.  To wander around, immune to the pressures of youth and thinness.  How and why would we be there?  Write a book, ‘Our Guide to Escaping the Matrix’ (just us, telling our story), find our very own Princess Carolyn (BoJack’s agent) and have our story made into a film starring George Clooney and Kate Winslet.  It’s important to write things down, to spell them out, however crazy they may sound.

Anyway, to return to my point, if ‘the matrix’ is just a reflection of us and not a thing of itself, then maybe all you have to really do is the self management bit, not concerning yourself with the matrix at all, and everything will just happen.  Is that an invitation to limitless self belief or a cop out excuse to do nothing?  (But we’d still need to actually write the book)  (and we need money/an income stream- we do need to eat after all- and you have to spend your days doing something)

Back to Richard Branson.  Maybe if you have a really strong sense of self you just know what to do.  You don’t have to learn how to read the signs or think about timing.  You just know, and whenever you decide to do it, that’s the right time.

What I’ve been watching:

Films:  The Fifth Element

The costumes are designed by Jean Paul Gaultier.  They are all amazing but it got me thinking that if you have hands and fingers and you want to learn you could sew and make costumes.  If you are interested in something, if you follow that interest, with dedication and devotion, then with practice you will get good at it.


This is such an interesting portrayal of creativity, particularly group creativity, as it follows a band making an album.  In the woods, for about a year, with loads of craziness.  It makes you realise how hard it is- by that I mean how much dedication it takes, and how it takes time and practice to become good at playing instruments and writing songs.  It takes dedication, time and practice, and of course you need to be interested and want to do it, or why would you be there in the woods for a year otherwise, but it doesn’t mean you can’t do it.  It shows you how it is done and what it takes.  I found that to be encouraging rather than off putting, although I am glad I am not involved in a group activity like a band, I prefer the solitary creative practice of writing.

Netflix shows:  The end of the f***ing world

Two young people.  Such good acting and really well done.

BoJack Horseman

What I’ve been listening to:

In a stunning example of awesome timing, my husband bought this CD in a charity shop for 25p, put it on the iPod and gave me the CD to play in the car.  I put it on for the first time as I left work for the last time.  Tracks 1 and 3 did give me goosebumps.