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‘So apparently these are the top five types of men women fantasise about,’ my husband said. We were in a Travelodge in London, where we stayed the night after I flew in from India.

‘That list doesn’t make sense,’ I said, ‘It’s a mixture of fictional and real.’ It was like when it was reported on mainstream news about the discovery of a new animal that was like half cat, half teddy bear. I remember my cousin commenting on social media, ‘Half cat, half teddy bear, you can’t mix fictional and real animals together, WTF!’

My husband is used to me being particular about how words are used and so he looked up the source and played me the original clip. It was Jordan Peterson, explaining how it was fairly straightforward to know what men liked when it came to pornography as they tend to be more visual, whereas women tend to like stories.

Apparently there had been some kind of an audit of search terms used by women accessing porn and this had led to the The List.
‘Women, cover your faces, this is so embarrassing,’ JP said, ‘The top five types of male entities women fantasise about are:

1 Vampire
2 Werewolf
3 Billionaire
4 Surgeon
5 Pirate

An analysis of Internet searches, now it made sense why it was such a strange list… Maybe it was the jet lag but I thought it would be funny to analyse my husband against the five types and see how ‘typical’ I was.

1. Definitely he has some qualities of the vampire about him, his kind of timeless nature; when I first met him I had the strong feeling that he had a very intact personality and would be exactly the same were he a homeless person or a millionaire. Also he is an observer of the world, he doesn’t really get caught up in all the things people get caught up in.
2. No
3. No
4. No
5. When we met he was living on a boat complete with pirate flag, and had no intention of settling down with a woman again. And yes, I did act like a cliché from a Harlequin romance and pursue him. But aside from all that, from childhood he has always been fascinated by outlaws such as the Hells Angels, not the violence, but the idea of living outside of normal society. So because of all that I have to say that yes, dear reader, I married a pirate!

Postscript: I used to write women’s erotica, and my old creative writing teacher brought me in to teach his class for one session, ‘How to write sex.’ Most of them were too shy to attend, but those that did were given a glass of red wine and a cream cake and asked to describe the experience using all the senses. We read a beautiful sex scene from The Road Home, by Rose Tremain (possibly she is the best writer I know of, I also recommend Music and Silence. Her descriptions are unforgettable.)

Lastly, I gave them a passage from Frenchman’s Creek (about a pirate) by Daphne Du Maurier, where the Lady goes off with the pirate and into his cabin… The scene, full of sexual tension, ends when he leans over and removes her ruby earring. I asked the class to continue writing where Daphne Du Maurier had stopped. So I guess it’s always been pirates!

Photo: the actual pirate flag from my husband’s boat

Thank you very much for reading

About the author
I am forty nine years old, married to John Hill, we live on a narrowboat in rural Northamptonshire, UK.
In March 2018 after selling our house and giving away 95% of our possessions we embarked on a year of slow travel in India and South East Asia.
I’m writing a personal/spiritual/travel memoir of that year. This is my personal blog.
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